


I'm Heavy On Your Lungs

by ratsauce



Series: Neurodivergent Direction [3]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: BPD!Louis, Borderline Personality Disorder, Crying, Emotions, Gross, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Sad!Louis, Triggers, slight though, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-25
Updated: 2015-05-25
Packaged: 2018-04-01 02:44:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4002853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ratsauce/pseuds/ratsauce
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis' a fighter and he has been for a long time.</p><p>or the one where Louis has Borderline Personality Disorder and Harry has patience.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Heavy On Your Lungs

**Author's Note:**

> I was getting feely feels that were feely so I wrote this. The title is from Young The Giant's [Mind Over Matter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWF-OHzi4co). Also, I did this in a few hours so if it's shit then I'm sorry.  
>  **ALSO ALSO: Don't Read If You're Likely to be Triggered  
> **  
>  Please, I love all of you, I want you to be safe, and this fic has the _potential_ of being triggering. With that said, don't read this if it compromises your mental health.  
>  That is all.

Harry knows Louis. He knows that when he wakes up he wants his tea, scalding and bitter like he himself when his eyes just open. He knows that he purposely leaves his clothes all over the place so Harry has to clean up after him. He knows that he's always never quiet, and that when he is, it's because something is wrong.

Other than the fight he had with Liam last night, Louis' been eerily quiet. And still.

Everyone notices, but no one even knows how to get past Louis' walls to find out what's wrong, so they all leave it for Harry.

Louis has been a right twat the last couple of days. It wasn't until he left the bus with no security and almost got mobbed did anyone say anything to him about it, though. Niall lectured him about safety and the precautions they all had to take and Liam just scowled at him after he made sure he was okay. Preston fucking _dug_ into him, yelling at him that he "needs to get his shit together" because if something happens, he's "not only gonna lose his job, but a good mate as well." Louis took the bollocking and for a few hours he seemed fine.

They had one show the next day and right before their last sound check, Louis tells everyone off. The only one who retaliates is Zayn, who had had a presumably bad day as well. They end up fighting, leaving the entire group tense and uncomfortable.

After the fight, unsurprisingly, Louis goes to bus two and doesn't come back out until the show starts, going straight back once it's done. Harry doesn't get to talk to him at all.

They're planning on going to a hotel in ten minutes time, straight from the venue. Harry knows that Louis knows they're going to a hotel, but he still stops by bus two to inform him.

Louis' on the floor when he steps up, right in the middle of the eight bunks, curled up in the sheets and pillows off said bunks. He looks so soft and fragile and Harry just wants to know _what's wrong_ with his baby. He sits on the floor where Louis' long hair is spilling out from between the sheets and sighs.

Louis stirs a bit and peaks an eye open, re-closing them when he sees it's Harry. "Hey," he mumbles.

Harry has a million questions, but the main one is, "Why are you on the floor?" Louis shrugs, turns onto his side so he's more facing Harry.

"Didn't feel like climbing." he says noncommittally. Harry looks at the half-metre that Louis would have to clamber up to get onto the bottom bunk, but he accepts the answer.

Harry doesn't know where to go from there, what to ask, because he knows that if he pries too much, too quickly, that Louis will shut him out. So he doesn't, just sits there listening to Louis breathe.

Eventually, Louis opens his eyes again and stares up at Harry. "I'm sorry for being a tit. Tell Zayn that I'm sorry, yeah?"

Harry looks down at him. "What's been going on with you?" he asks, and is surprised when Louis doesn't look away.

He stares for a bit but eventually does avert his gaze. "Honestly, mate?" he says. "I don't know. M'head's too loud."

Louis doesn't speak again after that and Harry guesses that's all he's getting from him tonight, so he nods like he understands. Louis sighs.

"Do you want me to stay?" Harry asks, and Louis shrugs as he wiggles back down into the bundle of blankets he's made on the floor. Harry takes that as a yes and takes off his shirt, leaves his joggers on, and crawls beside him, settling with his chest to Louis' back. 

Harry wants to hug him, but he knows how Louis gets when something's on his mind so he waits for Louis to come to him.

When he rolls over, Harry finds his eyes wet and shinning in the dim light of the bus. His face is so open, Harry feels his heart crumble. He doesn't hesitate any further and moves closer, pulling Louis into his arms. Louis' positively shaking as soon as Harry's arms wrap around him, small and delicate as he sobs into Harry's bare chest. Harry doesn't say anything, doesn't do anything, just holds him.

For the first time in a long time, Harry gets to witness Louis allowing himself to be vulnerable, gets to hear him choke on his words as he apologises about slobbering all over Harry's neck and chest. It breaks Harry's heart to hear it, but Louis is always so fucking stubborn and selfless and he keeps all his shit in until it bubbles over, like it is now.

Louis doesn't stop crying for a few minutes, sniffling and coughing until he's quiet, half asleep. Harry thinks it's as safe as ever to proceed.

"Lou, please. Tell me what's going on in your head. Let me in," Harry begs, and Louis only burrows further into Harry's chest. Harry frets that this is where Louis will cut him off, tell him to sod off or just completely ignore him, but he doesn't. Instead, he takes a shaky breath, and says, "I don't know, Haz. I just always feel like I want to hurt someone," the _and myself_ is left off as Louis continues, "Some days I can bear it more than others."

And, you see, if Louis would just _talk_ about the things he's feeling, Harry could deal with this better. And it doesn't help that Harry knows why Louis doesn't talk, him being an introvert himself, because now he doesn't know what to think or say or do to make his baby feel better and God, is it frustrating.

"Is it your thing?" Harry asks hesitantly, and feels Louis go stiff in his arms. This "thing" is one which he's been dealing with since he was a teen, small and confused by himself. He had gone into a psychiatrist, Harry by his side, and had gotten diagnosed with this thing that no one knew about before then, Borderline Personality Disorder. Louis was scared, is still scared now, but Harry has been the one to hold him together and Louis is eternally grateful for him.

Louis snuffles. "It might be, yeah? I don't fucking know anymore."

Harry only nods, curls tickling the side of Louis' face where it's tucked into his shoulder. "Can you tell me what you're feeling right now?" he asks. Louis fights the urge to start crying again and swallows.

"Scared," he says immediately. "Scared, and hesitant, and angry, and fucking helpless and I hate everything, but also a bit safe with you here."

Harry processes all that in his head as quickly as possible, then says, "Why are you angry?"

Louis groans, frustrated. "I don't _know_ Harry, don't you get it? If I knew why I was feeling the way I do, I'd have all this cleared up."

"But you do know, Lou," Harry says slowly. "You know, but you don't understand it, and that's fine."

Louis slumps against Harry's solid chest. "Bugger off." he says, but there's no heat behind it.

"Get some sleep, Louis. I'm not going anywhere." Harry whispers, pressing a kiss to his hairline, and not even flinching when Louis reaches up and pinches his nipple.

"I'm not going anywhere," Harry says again, softer, and Louis thinks that maybe, that's all he needs.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading.


End file.
